


And He Never Drank Again

by Methoxyethane



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Humor, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-21
Updated: 2005-09-21
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ah, the fun that can be had with alcohol and the authority to preform legal marriages. The Sannin's have a reunion they won't forget, at least, assuming they can remember it the next morning. I suppose this technically counts as slash...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	And He Never Drank Again

Orochimaru sat at his desk, papers strewn about everywhere. Quite a bit of time had passed since his unsuccessful attack on Konoha, and now all that was left of that… Adventure… was paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork. Paperwork he had put off for a very long time. Paperwork he couldn't put off anymore.

At first he had an excuse; after all, how could he do paperwork without arms? Then after that little problem was resolved he just got lazy and started making up excuses.

He was busy. He was tired. He would start tomorrow. He didn't have a pen. He would get right on that. Was he really necessary for that? His… uh… hands had fallen off…. Or been set on fire. Yeah, that sounds better, his hands had been set on fire and… most of his fingers had been cut off… and he had arthritis.

Eventually, Kabuto had gotten tired of his ridiculous excuses and stopped bringing it up, occasionally paying the odd bill and looking at anything with 'final notice' written on it, but otherwise just letting it pile.

But now, it had finally gotten to the point he couldn't ignore it anymore. When the head of the village gets an eviction notice, you know you've fucked up.

"Let's see…." Kabuto continued to read from one of many forms "Next we have… will of inheritance…"

Orochimaru scoffed. He had no intention of dying, much less leaving anything behind.

Kabuto briefly glanced up at his boss. "Gotta be filled out anyway," he said, replying to the statement Orochimaru didn't even need to say. "First beneficiary would be next of kin,"

"No immediate family. Not living, anyway…"

"Alright," Kabuto continued reading "After that is spouse..."

"Not married. Anything else?" Orochimaru looked up from the paper he was signing when Kabuto didn't reply. "…Kabuto?"

"Well, uh- Actually, sir, I know I probably should've mentioned this earlier…" Orochimaru narrowed his eyes quizzically at the increasingly nervous man "…but you kinda are…." Kabuto choked out, the fear of death on his face. "I suppose you wouldn't remember…"

* * *

The three legendary Sannin weren't always legendary. At one point in time, they were only a team of ninjas; albeit a talented one.

They had been comrades, and had been through a lot together. The three of them had seen each other at their best and at their very worst, had helped each other, had watched each other grow. They were a team.

And that's why, once every five years, regardless of where they were in life or how much they hated each other; Tsunade, Jiraiya and Orochimaru got together -a sort of family or high-school reunion; only not really like either one of those. Nevermind, you get the idea.

This particular meeting had come at a very bad time, though. None of them were at the best place in life, and they liked each other even less than usual, which was saying a lot.

And so, as this reunion hadn't been going very pleasantly, they needed a bit more alcohol than usual to keep them from killing each other.

And thus the three legendary Sannin were currently sitting in a bar, completely shit-faced, as they had been for the last hour.

"Y'know," Tsunade began, turning to Orochimaru "I ushed'ta have da _biggesht_ crush on you,"

"But dat wash b'fore we were put on da shame team and I found out you were a crazy boyfriend-shtealing bashtard." She finished bitterly, sending a steely glare across the table at him.

"Hey!" Orochimaru defended, " _He_ came on to _me_!"

"And besides, I only went with it 'cuz I knew how much it would piss you off."

Jiraiya, who had been off in his own world, suddenly slammed his glass on the table and bellowed "-BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO _THAT_ FAR!", loudly finishing a sentence he had forgotten to start.

Orochimaru, deciding he knew what the other man was talking about, chimed in with the agreement "Yeah, what a bitch."

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN ALLWAYS GET SO ANGRY WHEN YOU TRY TO SEE THEM NAKED!" Jiraiya complained at the top of his lungs, as he had been screaming pretty much everything for the better part of the evening.

"Really?" Orochimaru tried to pour more scotch in his glass, successfully emptying the bottle onto the table and mumbled "Anko didn't seem to mind…"

"I'VE HAD IT WITH WOMEN!" Jiraiya suddenly jerked towards Orochimaru "YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU AND I- WE SHOULD GET MARRIED!"

"We should? Yeah, that sounds like an idea- we _totally_ should."

Tsunade yanked the bottle she was drinking from from her mouth mid-drink and choked out "I 'cn do that! I marry people all th' time! Comes part of bein' Hokage- I puhrform weddins' and funerals and shtuff for people like, conshtantly. I' sheriously got no free time…" She trailed off rather sullenly.

"THAT'S GREAT! WE CAN GET HITCHED TONIGHT, THEN!" Jiraiya beamed "IT'LL BE GREAT- WE CAN HAVE THE WHOLE SHEBANG- CAKE, AND RINGS-" he turned to Orochimaru "-AND YOU CAN WEAR ONE OF THOSE PRETTY DRESSES!"

"You know, I have always wanted to try one of those on."

"Puhrfect! It'sh'ettled, 'den! Le'sh'go have ourshelves a marriage!" Tsunade decided, rising unsteadily from her seat and stumbling towards the door, the soon-to-be grooms following.

The Hokage's office was quiet. Too quiet. Sickeningly quiet, even.

Kabuto had been dropped off in the sickeningly quiet office earlier that evening with the instructions 'wait here'. Orochimaru, having no illusions about what his night would consist of, had brought him with the intention of having someone sober to cart his drunk ass home.

And so, Kabuto waited, currently thinking of all of the things he could be doing rather than sitting in that room.

Brushing his teeth came to mind. And doing his laundry. Washing the dishes. He could start doing some of that paperwork that had been building. He also needed to go grocery shopping, come to think of it.

But what Kabuto was currently doing wasn't near as interesting as any of those things, instead it was simply the most boring and uncomfortable two hours he had ever experienced.

Shizune was also in the room with him, reading a book. He had tried starting a conversation earlier, but that had failed miserably. She was probably only in there to keep an eye on him, anyway. Or to make sure Tsunade came back alive. Probably a little of both.

In any case, he wasn't quite sure if it was a relief when the arrival of the sannins was announced by Tsunade's voice thundering through the building.

"Shizune!"

The aforementioned woman's attention was abruptly captured, and she put down her book.

"SHI-ZU-NE!" Tsunade called, accompanied by loud thumping that was probably her attempt at knocking.

"Alright, alright! I'm coming!" Shizune managed to reach the door before Tsunade knocked it off its hinges, and the inebriated ninja stumbled forewords into the room.

"There y'are! Puhrfect! Y'gotta help ush- we're gettin' married!"

"What? You are!"

Tsunade scoffed "No, _they_ are!" She announced merrily, gesturing towards Orochimaru and Jiraiya, who had just hobbled through the doors themselves.

"WHAT?" Kabuto's voice echoed Shizune's equally astonished reaction, "You mean- like, to _eachother_?"

Orochimaru seemed almost confused by the response "Well, yeah, who else?"

"But- why!"

Kabuto's question was met with a shrug and a casual "Why not?"

"Because you hate eachother!" Shizune asked, desperately grasping for a shred of reason.

"SO? LOT'SA MARRIED COUPLES HATE EACHOTHER! IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL! WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" Orochimaru nodded in assent, and Tsunade gave them a large grin.

Shizune looked at Kabuto hoping for support, but he just gave a dumbfounded shrug. The two medics resentfully resigned, realizing the futility of trying to argue logic into the heavily intoxicated Sannin.

"Fine, then, whatever. What do we need to do?" Shizune was now rubbing her temples, hoping to fight off her impending migraine. Christ, this was going to be a long night…

It was a quiet out; the street was empty of activity so late in the evening. All of the lights were out in the houses and buildings, and only the street lamps provided any guidance in the dark of the night.

Kabuto took in the peaceful setting and decided that following Jiraiya had been a really dumb idea.

"Do you even _know_ where he lives?"

"OF COURSE I DO! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" Jiraiya hollered, glaring around their surroundings.

The statement was hardly reassuring.

"I THINK IT'S THIS ONE!" He proclaimed, gesturing towards an apartment building.

Kabuto wasn't convinced, but followed him to the building anyway. "So then, should we knock or-"

" **HEY! NARUTO!"**

"…use the doorbell…" Kabuto sighed. He hated Jiraiya, he really did. Why had he even come? He should've gone with Shizune to get the cake.

" **NARUTO! HEEEEEEYYYYYY!"**

Actually, come to think of it, Kabuto didn't just hate Jiraiya; he hated his whole life in general. There was nothing good going for him, being Orochimaru's assistant was just miserable. And it had gotten even worse when that Sasuke kid showed up- he had to be the most arrogant little asshole Kabuto had ever met…

"For God's sake, what is it _now_ , old man!" Jiraiya's screaming and Kabuto's self-loathing was interrupted by a frustrated shout.

Jiraiya and Kabuto turned to see a drowsy Naruto leaning out of an open window across the street.

Naruto wasn't particularly surprised at what he woke up to; this wasn't the first time Jiraiya had gotten him up in the middle of the night. Apparently, the old pervert didn't like to be drunk by himself, so he sought out whatever company he could get and he often settled for infuriating Naruto.

Like that one time, when Jiraiya asked to borrow a pair of socks at three in the morning. Even more fun was when he announced that he had figured out the secret of time travel, and that they needed to get to the patent office before the fairies did.

Naruto had decided that he simply didn't want to know what had happened earlier that night. Whatever it was, he didn't want to know.

So while Naruto was not surprised by how he had awoken tonight, he was, on the other hand, quite surprised immediately afterwards.

"Kabuto? 'Da fuck?"

When the two reached Naruto's apartment Jiraiya was, of course, less than helpful in easing the confusion.

"OH! NARUTO! THERE YA' ARE! C'MON, YER COMIN TO THE WEDDING!"

Naruto just stared.

"…Wedding?"

Kabuto sighed and pushed his glasses up his nose. "You are… invited to witness the… marriage… of …Jiraiya and Orochimaru." he said hesitantly, seeming as if he didn't believe the words anymore than Naruto did.

Sleepy, half-lidded eyes shot open, alert; and Naruto blinked and paused for a moment.

"Let me get my camera."

"…Okay, so then it's recording now?"

"Yes, that's what the little red light means."

"Alright, I see…. Hey, how come I can't see anything?"

"Lens cap."

"Uh- Right! I knew that."

"…Sure you did."

"Say, what happens when I run out of tape?"

"This is digital, it records onto a disc."

"Oh. Well, what happens when I run out of disc?"

"Uh, I don't think we have to worry about that right now."

"Fair enough. So, how would I go about making copies…?"

It was at this point that Kabuto's tutorial of mastering the complexities of Naruto's video camera was interrupted, for which Kabuto was extremely grateful.

Shizune stalked quickly into the room and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Apparently, no one sells cakes at one in the morning, so I got some doughnuts from the 7/11." The vexed medical apprentice muttered, tossing a bag onto a nearby table.

"Wait, is that a camera?"

Naruto grinned. "So, are we ready to start this thing, or what?"

"YESH! Let's get thish party shtarted!" Tsunade shouted enthusiastically, pumping a fist into the air before breaking into peals of senseless giggles.

"Uh, right, except where are our grooms?" Shizune asked, glaring around the room. Her question was answered with Jiraiya hollering that he was there and Orochimaru was… around there somewhere… Probably.

Shizune rolled her eyes and went out to find him.

Naruto, lacking anything interesting to record, had made an attempt at conversation, but just ended up inspiring Jiraiya to rant for nearly five irritating minutes.

Thankfully, Shizune soon returned supporting a nauseous-looking Orochimaru by the shoulder and announced the start of the wedding with an acidic "Alright, let's hurry up and get this over with."

"Right then!" Tsunade began "Uh…. What was it?"…tried to begin. "Oh, yeah! Dearly belov'd, we are gav'ered here t'day to mourn the passhing-"

"-Witness the union."

"What?"

"This is a _wedding_ , Tsunade."

"That'sh what I was- Shut up! We're gathered to marry these two jerk-offsh to eachother!" She paused.

"What was next? Er-does anyone have any objecshuns? T' the weddin', I mean?"

Everyone looked at Kabuto.

"What? It's not my business; go ahead."

Back to Tsunade.

"Alright, dat'sh cool, then shpeak now or f'rever- wait, was I sh'posed t' shay dat b'fore? Nev'rmind, Do you Jiraiya, take thish guy here t' be yer lawfully wedded… spouse, for richnessh or in health, for good timesh or in poorer, 'till one of ya' cacks?"

"YEAH! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR, ISN'T IT? I MEAN-"

"QUIET! Jesush, d' you _ever_ shut up! Now, what about you, 'Rochi?"

"…What?" Orochimaru looked up at her slowly, and took a second to respond with a queasy "Yeah, yeah, I, uh…do."

"Alright! You may- Wait, rings! The rings! We need th' rings!"

…For a moment, even Jiraiya was quiet.

"Don't tell me you guys forgot the rings!" Naruto groaned, whilst everyone looked around at each other expectantly.

"Maybe there's something around here we can use…"

"Well, I've got one, it'll probably fit Orochimaru…" Shizune offered remorsefully, slipping a small band off from around a finger on her right hand and handing it off. She had liked that ring, too…

"Alright, that's a start… Er, I guess we'll have to improvise for the other… Do we, like, have any washers or string or something…?"

"There's a twist tie on the donut bag." Kabuto offered after a slight pause, to which Shizune responded by retrieving said wire and twisting it into a small hoop.

"Alright, ROCK! Lesh' go now, I'm getting' tired a' thish messh!" Tsunade squawked eagerly.

After a minute or so of fumbling, the affianced were successfully ringed, and Tsunade closed the ceremony.

"M'kay! You may kissh… The uke!"

A moment of hesitation where Jiraiya and Orochimaru couldn't help but think there was something about this that wasn't right was interrupted when the latter rushed to the nearest wastebasket and proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach.

Naruto was disappointed to say the least. A shot of them kissing would be _fantastic_ for blackmail… Oh, well. It wasn't like the rest of the tape wouldn't do, he supposed…

Kabuto looked around. Shizune seemed to have decided not to let the sake go to waste, Jiraiya was doing the gentlemanly thing and holding back his groom's hair as he knelt over the garbage can, and Tsunade fell to the ground with a large 'THUD!' and passed out.

He sighed. He knew tonight would end poorly.

He turned to Shizune; "You're a medic, right? Help me pump their stomachs."

* * *

Kabuto stopped the tape, removed it from the VCR, and left the room as quickly as possible.

Orochimaru was stunned. He looked down at his left hand slightly dazed.

He had been wondering where the ring had come from… Was this Shizune's? She had good taste.

There were probably quite a few copies of that tape floating around, so how had he not seen this until now?

Upon finally letting the fact that he had married his once-upon-a-time rival and one of the few people in the world he truly hated sunk in, there was only one thing he could think.

"Shit."

The end.

Wow. I have been sitting on this for over a year, and had almost every word planned out for months, and I completely forgot about the fact that I had never thought of a good line to end it with. It's finally done, though. Its sub-sub-title is 'The first step towards my dream of one day being ANBUed'.

…

I'm going to hell for this, aren't I?


End file.
